India Reflections...(pt. 1)

It's been a while since I've written anything, and, to be honest, it's been a combination of a hectic lifestyle and a smidge of laziness. So many thoughts and life happenings have occurred that I haven't taken the time to sit down and write any of the down for my somewhat limited, but existent, online audience.

A lot of you know I went to India in January, and for those of you who don't, now you do. I went with a group of fellow students from my school, Charis Bible College, to minister to people in Chennai, India. It was an experience which will last with me for the rest of my life. This trip showed me a lot of things, one of them being that I LOVE going OUT.

Another thing it did for me was be one of the turning points which is helping to heal a past wound, one which has had more ripples on my life than I realized.

When I came home from Uganda about three and a half years ago, I was a defeated soldier--defeated by my own mind. I had been humbled, shown some darker areas of my heart, had some beautiful lessons, and, in my mind, seen that I may have been completely off the mark with what my dream was supposed to be. You see, Africa had been on my heart and in my bones for years--since I was seventeen, actually--as well as many other nations, but Africa was my first love, if you will. So, when I came home a supposed failure, I couldn't see how I had ever been right about what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I was crazy and had so royally missed it when it came to what God wanted me to do with my life. Why do I love Africa so much if I'm not cut out to be a missionary? Why did I ever want to be a missionary? I am so stupid...how could I be so stupid?

These were some of my thoughts upon my return to the States.

To be perfectly honest, I can't say for certain that I ever recovered from that experience. That summer is not one I will talk about easily; it monumentally impacted my life in both good and bad ways. In the time since returning, I have worked my way through so much of it, been able to positively apply a lot of what I had learned there, hashed out what was good and what I could just do away with, and I have regained a good image of myself, though a somewhat different on from when I first began this journey at the Ranch so many years ago now. What I have yet to recover from, though, was the death of my dreams.

When I went to Africa, I dealt with a lot of stuff I wasn't prepared for, including the paralyzing fear of dying in a foreign country, as well as just the fact that missions work is a little harder on your heart than people like to tell you it is. So, after my "failure" there, along with many  hard lessons--although ultimately very good and impacting lessons that I needed--I shelved my dreams indefinitely, thinking I was incapable of being in charge of such precious things.

Going to India, however, has changed this.

A number of years ago, God asked me to give up my desires so His could invade. What I have learned since then is that, once I surrendered to Him completely, He would give me back my dreams and desires because my desires were always good, but the motive behind them was not. Not for what He had planned for my life, anyway--which is much, much better than what I could ever plan.

After I did that, I saw visions of things I could never do on my own--beautiful, adventurous things. However, I misinterpreted a thing or two, as we sometimes do, and though I got "back on track" after those things, a journey usually has a few more twists, turns, trips, or stumbles than we'd care to admit usually.

When I left Spring Arbor and came to Colorado, God started talking to me about dreams--my dreams. Long story short, I am dreaming again, almost two years later. I was so afraid of my dreams and afraid of myself being in charge of them. The wonderful thing about the dreams God gives you, though, is that ultimately He's the one who is in charge of them. I want to go back to India and Uganda; God has been showing me things about these countries and what I will do, as well as a few other things.

When I came home from India, the wife of one of my teammates shared with me that while we were gone a bunch of people were praying for us. One of those people had a word from God for me saying, "The Lord will restore the years the locusts ate away." I think He's doing that right now, and has been since I moved out here.

I'm not afraid of dreaming anymore. Are you? What's your dream? Will you share it with me?

p.s. I will share more about India and possibly my experience in Uganda at a later time. God is such a good friend!

Red pill or Blue pill?

Well, it's been a while. Life has been busy busy, that's for sure. I also don't really like to write out my thoughts for everyone to see until they're at least a little bit formulated...which they haven't been lately. I mean, I have had so many thoughts and so many good things happening these past few weeks it's ridiculous, but that's the thing--so many! Too many to really write in a blog post. Besides, I'm not sure I'm ready to share them with the world yet anyway.

As I said, so much good has happened recently, but there have also been challenges. I want to talk more about the good because there is more glory in that, but honestly I've struggled too.

Suffice it to say, right now I'm on a fabulous part of my life journey. I am getting to know God in a deeper way and I'm loving our relationship. I'm learning to trust Him more and more--something I've always struggled with. I'm seeing my life in a clearer way--a way that allows me to see the beauty and not so much the loss. I just don't trust easily. Luckily, He knows.

He's asked me to do some things that are scary and require a different level of faith than I've experienced before. Honestly, some days I just feel stagnant, like I'm not really doing anything. Like I'm waiting around for a Morpheus to come and offer me the chance of a lifetime, with a clear plan of what I'm supposed to do. I guess even Neo went through times of discouragement and confusion with what he was supposed to do. That's an element of faith though...trusting that it will all be okay. I need to stay focused--I really am doing so many wonderful things. It's more my mind thinking it's not enough or not what I think I should be doing that is getting in the way. Good thing God is good enough to overcome that. He already did.

Mostly I'm writing to throw out some updates on my life. This is the end of my post.

the chronicles of Aubrie and Dena: mommies of all ages

Aubrie is definitely one of the smartest kids I have ever met, I wouldn't be surprised if she is going to end up being some kind of prodigy. The next Beethoven or something. Seriously. One of the evidences of this is her ability to observe and mimic the behavior of the adults in her life. Whether it's simply to know what something is for, like a bib or her high chair tray, or to see what is supposed to be done with a tool and try to do it.

The other day I caught her carrying around her little baby doll and treating it differently than her other toys. She picked it up and started walking around, talking to it and laughing, then she would hug it and pat its back while quietly saying, "Shhh..." in a baby sort of way. She kept repeating this behavior, pulling it away from her and talking to it, only to hug it and pat its back again. She eventually wandered over to her little bouncy seat she used to play in a lot before she could stand up and walk, put her baby in it and started bouncing it around and laughing. She was trying to make her baby "play" with the toys and sleep in the bed. She then proceeded to pick up a bottle on the floor and put it up to the baby's mouth to "feed" it.

Aubrie knows she has a good mommy and her mimicking reflects the loving care she gets every day. I love this kid!

the adventures of Aubrie and Dena: grass and salad

So the other day, Aubrie and I took a stroll down the driveway to my car so I could bring my stuff into the house that I would need to spend the night. When I say we strolled, both of us really did. It was Aubrie's first time walking down the driveway, to my knowledge, and she was stoked about it. At first she didn't want to hold my hand, but once we embarked down the inclined plane, she was clinging to me like a monkey on a banana.

I love how fearless this kid is; she wasn't clinging to me because she was scared, she just knew that she had better hold onto me if she didn't want to eat cement. She did stumble a couple of times, but because she was holding onto me, the impact wasn't as bad as it could have been. At another time I will write out the obvious spiritual metaphor in that image.

Her mom hadn't gotten her dressed for the day, as sometimes happened, so I strapped on tennis shoes over her polka dot footie pajama's. She loved walking to the car.

And she looked like a dork doing it. The cutest darn dork I have ever seen, that's for sure.

Instead of immediately emptying my beat up once-a-podracer car, I put Aubrie in the grass to play for a minute. She tried to eat dirt. I'm sure as hippy-tasting as that was, it didn't quite hit the spot.

She is uber fascinated by grass though; she loves touching things, and, of course, sticking them in her mouth. Once I realized she wasn't going to play in the grass so much as get her fill of it, I decided our outdoor adventure was done for the day.

The next day was Sunday. We went to church, I got a break for a couple of hours, it was a great time. Aubrie is a favorite with a lot of the people at my church. A couple of the nursery ladies told me how much they just love having her in the nursery; she loves playing with the other kids. They said there was a little boy crying in the corner near the end and Aubrie took a toy over to him and tried to make him feel better. This kids possesses so much natural grace and love it just makes me want to gush with love myself. Again, the spiritual metaphor is going to have to wait.

We were invited to join a few of my friends at Souper! Salad! for lunch after church. After nearly knocking my entire freshly made salad to the floor at the bar with her foot, Aubrie was sat in a high chair and we proceeded to eat lunch. Aubrie is almost always the loudest person in any place we go, so you can imagine that we got a lot of attention. One of my friends mistakenly gave her a napkin to play with; unfortunately, that's not the kind of fiber she needs in her diet, so I had to empty her mouth and her hands of it.

I was eating lunch with four of my good guy friends and one of them asked me if people think that Aubrie is my baby, to which I answered a prompt, "Yes." Everyone who doesn't know me thinks she's mine, especially at church, which I really don't understand. I'm a single girl, going to bible college, and Aubrie didn't appear in my life until she was six months old. I had been going to the church for nearly a year at this point. I was never pregnant, never even dating anyone, and yet apparently no one noticed me until I started bringing a baby to church. That says something about people I think.

I also told my friends that people often assume whatever guy I might be with is her father. Since there were four of them, I wonder how many people were trying to guess which one was her dad. The mystery is still in their minds.

Aubrie had some ice cream at Souper Salad. She never has ice cream. So why was I surprised when she played in her bed for two hours instead of taking a nap? I just feel like that had to be asked. She was a hoot at the youth leader meeting at the end of the day too; she felt her voice should be heard just as much as anyone else's as we discussed different things concerning the youth and its future. My favorite part of that meeting was watching Aubrie climb all over my good friend Derek, trying to touch his beard, giving him hugs that she reserves for the people she loves most, and him hesitantly playing with her right back. Aubrie doesn't care if you're uncomfortable or shy or anything, she's just going to love you.

When we finally made it home, she had crashed. Poor little tyke had had all the excitement she could take for one day, apparently, and so had I. I just love this kid.

As our summer days draw to an end, I'm seeing even more just how much of an adventure and rewarding experience this summer has been with Aubrie, let alone everything else I have been able to do. Stay tuned for more Aubrie moments. Thanks for reading. :)

the chronicles of Aubrie and Dena, part 1--dogs

Aubrie is one of the funniest kids I have ever met. I've decided that instead of being a little bummed about the fact that I am almost twenty-four years old and my main job is nannying, I'm going to take advantage of the hilarity I am privy to for most of my week and share it with all of my adoring readers. Thus begins the chronicles of Aubrie and Auntie Dena.

This is Aubrie.

Aubrie likes to talk. She likes to squawk. She is one ridiculous child. There are two dogs who live at the house regularly--Ben, who hacks like a sick old man, and Tassie, who is a loveable idiot. There is another dog who lives there from time to time (she's the grandma's dog) and her name is Racquel. I hate Racquel. Racquel thinks Aubrie is another dog and therefore wants to dominate her. She has also tried to dominate me in the past, but I stamped that right out. Dogs and babies do not tell me what to do.

When Racquel is at the house, I have to keep Aubrie away from her so that Aubrie doesn't harass her and so that she doesn't bite Aubrie. Aubrie isn't scared of Racquel, which is both a blessing and a problem.

Aubrie has one of those baby walker things that I call her roller derby car and one of her favorite past times is to race through the house and chase the dogs around, squealing at the top of her lungs. While some may call this animal cruelty, I call it entertainment. That dog in particular is one of the loudest I have ever met and frankly I don't feel too badly for her when the baby chases her around letting out a war cry. I eventually have compassion on her though; Aubrie shouldn't just be allowed to get away with things like that.

While the dogs are not my friends, Aubrie is. Watching her grow has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life thus far, and I am excited to see what the days ahead hold for us. Tune in next time to read about Aubrie's hilarious facial expressions and our many adventures as Aubrie and Auntie Dena.

honest tea

It's been a while...actually I'm not sure I've posted anything since the summer began. Oh sure, I've had a few ideas about posts. A few passionate topics I wanted to address. A couple of doldrums I wanted to express. Frankly, though, I just haven't had time.

This summer has been rough for me--probably rougher than I wanted to admit to anyone. No, definitely not my most difficult; that one was the time Lenny the parasite decided to move into my liver. He even tried to have his mail delivered there, which, as I'm sure you can imagine, is not an easy task in any aspect of the idea. No, this summer was not so bad as that, but it's definitely been trying to catch up to that one.

I have felt...beat up.

Stretched too thin.

Like I was constantly banging my head on an anvil, or a brick, and it was also hitting back. Don't get me wrong, this summer has been full of very enjoyable things. Just maybe too many of them. Without enough sleep, more often than not. It has also been full of quite a few relationship issues--including, but not limited to, almost losing one of my best friends, and getting shafted a couple of times by the same group of people when it came to trying to figure out a new living situation. They almost aren't worth talking about anymore, but both situations were very hurtful. I grew, though, and was strengthened in ways I didn't really expect.

Here is a small taste of what I learned this summer:

1) There will be backstabbers in your life. What do you do when someone talks behind your back when it is none of their dang business? Ignore it. It's childish, pathetic, petty, and a whole array of other comparably menial adjectives.

2) Sometimes the friends who stand with you through hard times are not the ones you were expecting. In the past, I haven't really been able to share struggles I was having with the people around me because it always felt like either a) they had their own problems and didn't need to be saddled with mine too or b) they weren't able to see past their issues well enough to listen to me. I have been thankful for those rare people who were there to listen in those times, as I am thankful for the unexpected ones during this time. The difference now, though, is that I haven't talked to too many people about what I've really been struggling with, and honestly haven't had too many opportunities to do so in the first place, but the friendships that have developed over the last few months have been golden.

3) I have learned a lot about myself, primarily because I have spent a lot of time by myself. Some of it is because a loving friend helped me to see a few things I didn't want to admit, but I have also had a lot of time for reflection. I don't know how many of you know, but I nanny for an 11 month old baby overnight. I'm with her for over half my week sometimes and usually it is just me, her, a couple of wacko dogs (sometimes three), and an idiot cat. None of them can talk to me. This allows for a lot of quiet time. If I wasn't so much as reflecting on myself, I have been observing myself. One important thing I learned is that I am a valuable person. I guess I didn't really believe that before.

4) If you want something, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Definitely you should be in prayer and have patience for whatever it is you're hoping and waiting for, but sometimes you just have to yank yourself up and work for whatever it is you want. It's kind of a balance. I find myself really learning things I only thought I knew before. Funny how that works.

5) Sometimes I just do not care about something I am doing; the only reason I decided to do it was because someone "needed" me. I'm not sure that's the right reason to do something.

Good learning sometimes comes through times of stretching, and man have I been stretched. I maybe overloaded my schedule, but in the end, it is what it is and there isn't anything I can do about it now. The important thing is that I survived and am actually finding myself more and more content with my life--even though not much that I was previously frustrated about has changed. In some cases I am simply resigned, but for the most part I am just determined.

I'm heading into a school year with many snares and pitfalls waiting to grab me, but I know Whose hand I hold, so I know I'll be fine. I may be the talk of the gossip chain of the petty and otherwise unremarkable, but no one can convince me that I am not as great as God says I am, no matter who thinks I can't take care of a cat. Or two. Or who the whole of the Bible College thinks I'm dating. God has me here for a reason, and by golly, I am excited to continue seeing what it is.

In all honesty, this whole blog may have been the unfollowable ramblings of a tired person (I'm falling asleep as I write this), so let me end it as randomly as I possibly can.

I have had a good summer.

It really may not have sounded like it, and honestly doesn't really feel like it some days, but aside from fires and shootings, relationship and sleep issues, I wouldn't take it back. I have nothing to do but thank and praise God, really. I'm thankful I made it through what could have been a lot of junk that could bring me down. I'm thankful for the people who I was able to spend time with. I'm happy I could go to youth camp; that was one of the best weeks I had all summer. I have many more things to be thankful for than to be upset about, and sure, my body and my soul feel beat up, but my spirit is stronger than ever. Proof your attitude doesn't need to be based on circumstances. Well, I'm tired, so I'm going to abruptly end this now. Thanks for reading.

p.s. I also leaped way forward on my caffeine intake this summer, and have also cut back by at least 2/3. I'm proud of myself.

a status reflection

As some of you may know, on my facebook for the past month or so I have been using my status updates as a way to encourage my friends and let them know what I really think about them. These are just a few thoughts on what I have learned about myself and my relationships even in just this short time.

I am not very good at constantly staying in touch with people. I am the kind of person that, when I've befriended you, come hell or high water I'm your friend forever, whether or not I call you all the time or write you, or whatever. I understand not everyone is like that, though. I want to find a balance, be a little bit better about that because I know some people take it personally and it affects how they think that I view them.

I am not very good at communicating how I feel about someone on a day to day basis, except in certain situations--even then, my abilities in this area are marginal at best. I am good at making them feel good and loved, but not in telling them why it is happening. It's usually not necessary, based on the type of bond you have with that person, but it is immensely important to at least remember why you are friends with them. It can help you evaluate whether or not the relationship is healthy, for one thing. For most people, I could tell them I loved them or that I appreciated them or what have you, and they'll think it's a nice sentiment, but it doesn't really sink in. I know this isn't entirely my fault; our culture has dumbed down these phrases (or Hallmarked them, if you will) to the point where they don't mean as much. We also hear these things from people who we know don't love us because they never show it in their actions, so we're numb to it. I want to be better and telling people why I love them, whether that be through words, or whatever.

People forget why they are friends with each other. Easily. Especially with the convenience of facebook. I know I don't unfriend people because of a) I'm afraid they'll think I hate them or b) I'm afraid that I'll someday need to be in contact with them and all of a sudden I'm cut off. That's silly, for one thing. I don't ever want to become numb to or forgetful of how I feel about someone and why I am friends with them.

People want to be recognized as one you love and cherish. It's not a selfish thing, it's a knowing thing. People like to know, be known, and sometimes be publicly recognized as important to someone else. It increases their feelings of worth--yes, this should be found in things other than the praises of other people, but shouldn't we do all we can to cultivate feelings of worth in each other? Don't become a crutch, but don't rip their hair out in an attempt for them to find their worth in Jesus or something either.

I have also learned that I have many close friends (I consider them close, at least) and I am, in many respects, a good friend. I don't say that with pride, conceit, or whatever, I say it because I know the Christ in me is a good friend (in every sense of the phrase), and my soul has learned much from the example that I have with me all the time. Despite my shortcomings, I am a better friend than I give myself credit for--how else could I have the number of good friends (caliber wise) that I do? I rag on myself a lot for feeling like I fail as a friend all the time or that I am not a good enough one, but really I shouldn't focus so much on what I'm not good at--it only keeps me from seeing what I am good at and why I am loveable.

Well, that's it for now. This has been a fun thing to do and I look forward to writing a status about each of you. :) Thanks for reading.