hit me again, I dare you.

At this time in my life, I feel able to legitimately say, "I feel like Job." A lot of people use that to describe their life circumstances and thus it has become a bit of a cliche. Nevertheless, I think it's appropriate for a time like this.

My life has begun to melt at the seams. I've done a lot of weeping, screaming, and not enough eating. It hurts like someone kicked me in the ribs ten times and left me for dead, naked in my agony. I don't know where home is anymore. The last few months have been wearisome, to say the least. This week I have been hit with something daily, it seems. Today when my mom called to tell me my uncle will probably not last much past the next week, it hit the ache in my heart like a fly hitting an already over encumbered bug covered windshield. I don't know if my wipers are broken or just need more fluid.

Y'know what, though? I've also been reminded this week of how blessed I am. Not only am I blessed with good friends and a little family of animals, but more importantly I know God is my rock and my salvation, of whom should I be afraid? Certainly not of an earthly family who hates my guts simply because my grandma loved me. Definitely not of death. Most assuredly not of money.

A friend gave me this picture last night, but I envision a certain exchange about my life went something like this:

Satan:  I'm going to hit her again...ha ha, this one will really drive her into the ground. (nervous tone change) She's gotten way too close, this can't go on...
God:  Go ahead and try. I'd like to see what happens, I'm sure this will be good.

God told me a while ago that I would be different, that I would often feel alone. But He told me it would be okay, I can take it. He made me with this ability.

So though I often flood my bed with tears and groans in the night, God makes my every day new. My heart may be crying out in ways I can't put into words, but, to be cliche again, the night is darkest before the day. Even in spite of all of what God has told me and what I am experiencing, I would not say I have once found myself angry with God. A lot of people use these times of pain to tell God just how they feel about what He "did to them." I feel this to be unutterably selfish--way to set yourself up as the most important thing on the planet and claim that God specifically squished you out of spite. Why would the King of the UNIVERSE really need to do that? Besides love and grace, that just doesn't make sense.

Anyway.

I'm not angry with God. If anything I "feel" closer to Him right now than I have in other times of grief. It's almost like he's spent the last few days showing me where I have come from and how far that really is; that I have truly learned from past anguish and am on the right path for once. I'm sure I'm still making mistakes, but I'm both a failure and redeemed every time my heart beats, there's no way around it. Hallelujah for grace.

Whether I'm hit again, I am not finished with this race. Who cares if I run it slowly? I'm still running.

So here's the deal, Satan, I will not curse my Lord. I won't even take time to throw swear words at you that I feel burning in my veins. I say bless the Lord, o my soul.

Take that, moron.