the adventureless adventurer...?

Here's an example of my being an oxymoron (since that's what this blog is titled, I suppose I should insert an example once in a while):

I was born an adventurer. There was a time in my life where I wanted to be an astronaut, another time to be in the air force so I could fly planes, another time where I wanted to be on the U.S.S Enterprise warping into the next intergalactic crisis (let's face it, secretly, I still want this one)...basically, I wanted (and still want) to fly, save the world, and explore new things...yet, I have not felt strongly inclined to actually pursue such an adventurous life. Oh sure, I've had plenty of my own adventures that I know have played out in smaller ways (which is probably more accurate to the way life really is), but why haven't I seriously pursued these things? Other than the Star Trek option, for obvious reasons...

I think one of the obvious answers to this is the fact that fear has been a constant struggle throughout my life; fear of failure or what other people would think, mostly. Not of dying or getting hurt, really. Of things that can't actually hurt me. Odd, I know.

Something else that was said in one of my classes recently has been sticking with me lately, and kind of relates to this:  is my Christianity boring?

Could I be living a more adventurous Christian life? I have always kind of thought of my relationship with God as an adventure in itself, a journey, but I've suddenly wondered if there is more to it than I've realized. Granted, I've had a lot of adventure within and throughout in ways I did not expect and ways people may not classify as an adventure...more than other people, dare I say. But is there more? More to tap into?

I think there is. Maybe this is why God gave me an adventurer's spirit? He always said I'd be different--maybe even different than what I thought of as different.

I'm learning what it means to be the heroic Dena instead of the heroic Whoever I Think Other People Want or Expect Dena to Be. This has been an adventure in and of itself...but I still can't shake the desire to leap off of tall buildings or shoot to the moon, just to see what's out there, even though I'm not sure how to do that (in my own life). Am I afraid to fly, or am I just looking for it in the wrong places?

I'm sure I can answer these questions and others can, but it's just what I've been chewing on tonight. The speaker in chapel today talked about knowing your name, the one God gives you. It's kind of funny that it's what I've been thinking about lately, too. God is good, yo. I don't really have an ending for this other than that.