Okay, screamo, metal, what-have-you, that's the type of song I'm talking about.
Apparently, according to urban dictionary, a screamo song is a throwback to emo songs of old. That's not exactly what I meant, so forgive me if I'm loose with the definition. Also, despite how it may sound in the following, I am a fan of the above genre. Don't hate.
Essentially, what I am and have been experiencing are moments of clarity punctuated by moments of absolute in-lucidity (I know that they're saying words when they're screaming, but I swear all I hear are gorilla mating calls--not to be associated with what I am about to discuss in similarity to my life) and a raw outpouring of feeling. It's not necessarily negative feeling, really, just a lot to let out sometimes, and a lot I don't really know how to explain at first. Everything is also very hardcore; as was pointed out once again the other day, I don't do anything halfway. Jessi Nichols once said, "Dena, everything you do, the way you live, is epic." (Epic, by the way, has more than the one meaning of being a poem like Homer. it also means of unusually great size or extent. It also means heroic or majestic, but let's not get too particular). Lately I've felt like this was true; I have an unusual life which involves me feeling like I'm not well understood in most cases--primarily with those closest to me (does that sound emo or what?)--yet another parallel to screamo. (I feel like this word should be hyphenated like 'scream-o' but then it just sounds silly.)
Sometimes people who listen to metal or screamo (emphasis on sometimes) are those who feel alone at times, even when surrounded by people who they know love them. Yes, we are loved, but are we known? I would almost be so bold to say that is the more intimate step of love, to know someone and to want to get to know them as they change and grow. The love one's family possesses for them is often unfailing and somewhat understanding, but there is often a lack of empathy. That's how it feels for me sometimes, anyway.
However, there is a harmonious feel to this life, also. The instrumental part of the song, sometimes a bass or guitar solo, which gives the song its rhythm, feel, and direction. This part is primarily why I like this genre; the music is not noticed at first a midst the gorilla cries, but it is the part that makes it listen-able. I don't know about any of you, but just listening to someone scream is grating and painful, especially if you can't understand what they're screaming about. Don't get me wrong, I can scream with the best of them (no offense to those of you out there without this ability) and screaming can be an effective way of release, but nobody really likes to listen to it, I don't care what they tell you.
Where am I going with this, you might be asking right now. Honestly I was asking myself the same thing (today has been rather lethargic--strange how tired you can be when you've done nothing all day). Here's the long and short of it: I have just jumped off one of the biggest bridges in my life and moved to Colorado Springs. Gotta say, not something I would have chosen to do on my own. It's been both exhilarating and frightening. God has come through in ways I never really imagined and that's the only thing that's made this worthwhile. I'm sure that's a rather negative way of looking at it--the adventure and chance to be in a new place has also been worthwhile. The chance to trust God in a new way--a much bigger way than I imagined--it's all been worth it. This doesn't mean it has come without moments of screaming. In some ways, I wish I wasn't here. I'm having to do a lot of hard things. I keep having to remind myself that I told God I wanted the hard things so I could grow and really become who he needs for my job on this earth. Be careful what you tell God in a moment of emotional upheaval when you feel stagnant.
Knowing and being known is an intimate relationship; it takes time and effort...it's the effort part that some miss. Lately I've been burned when it comes to certain friendships and even relationships within my family, but I still keep my head up, looking for the people God will bring that won't do this so easily. I constantly remind myself that people are fallible and will fail me at some point, especially if I have high expectations. What's harder to remind myself is that it's okay to hold people to some standards. It's been hard to see those who have left or I have had to leave behind. It argues with my nature, which is to never leave anyone behind. This bridge, in particular, has been one of the hardest and scariest to jump off. I usually maintain the mantra of, "I'll jump off that bridge when I come to it," but this one seemed to come up on me quick.
As I look back across the last five years or so, though, I see where I have jumped off many bridges. For some, I landed in a boat. For others, I landed in the water and was swept downstream. Somehow, though, I've always ended up where I needed to be and in one piece, so to speak. Actually, I've been shattered more times than I care to recount here, but I'm starting to glimpse the masterpiece God is building from the pieces. It has also been beautiful to see who I land next to sometimes; it's not usually who I expect, but I am thankful for each one who has come down the river with me after the crazy banshee known as Dena Williams landed in the boat or river next to them. For some reason they saw something in my life worth sticking with in some capacity. It hasn't always ended well, but it has made me who I am. That is the harmony, the symphonic part, I think, the masterpiece of love. It's easy to hear all the screaming (yes, occasional gorilla grunts) and be angry or sad or even excessively happy. The joy, however, is in the rhythm. All together, it makes a song.
So, yes, I spend a lot of time mentally screaming and being frustrated, but at the back of all of this, I can hear the melody stringing out a sweet song--not one normally heard in a screamo song, but a floating harmony made up mostly of violins. It's peaceful. It reminds me of Whose I am. Soon the music will overtake the screaming.
Regardless of where this has brought me, I'll still jump off the next bridge too, probably still screaming, but the music will be loud enough to hear over me. That's how He works.
"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:12-13
