may he deal with me, be it ever so severely

"Then it hit me--I'm alone on my birthday. Even though people invited me to do things, I'm alone."

What does it mean to be a true friend? For that matter, why does it matter if you are a true friend or not?

Why does the word "friend" hold significance?

If I wanted to, I could elaborately elaborate on each of these questions; if you know me at all, you know this is an important topic to me. I want to be the best friend I can possibly be to every single person who is kind enough to embrace the term and count me as one also (I used to think it was mandated for me to be friends with everyone--news flash, not everyone is worth that kind of time, by their own choice, not mine). Friends mean something to each other. Friends stick closer than a brother, it's been said. Friends are supposed to see us through the good and the bad.

Why, then, does it seem as though being a friend seems to be the hardest thing anyone has ever done in their life? It shouldn't be.

How hard is it to keep your word, to simply do what you say you are going to? Is it difficult to remember a certain day, like, say, the day your friend was born? Would it hurt to once in a while be serious with someone and tell them how they make you feel and why you appreciate them? Or is that just too much depth? I don't ask these questions to attack anyone, but to ask. Why is being a friend hard?

That last question isn't difficult to answer:  people think being a friend is hard because it requires something of them, and people don't like to work at things when it doesn't seem to be a gain somehow. They also all have their own ideas of what it means to have friends or to be one. They are not always totally wrong, but people also tend to treat people based on how they have been treated in the past, which just isn't fair. What I mean by this is, people tend to assume all people are the same. I don't think they mean to, exactly, but they do. They have had certain kinds of people in their lives before, so they take that to mean that every person they meet will be that way, whether it be negative or positive, really. Often times, however, they are concentrated mostly on their negative experiences, and they project that onto you, no matter how loveable you are. I know I've been guilty of this, but God is healing me. I'm changing. That means it's possible, right?

It shouldn't be hard to be a friend or have friends. But it is. Because we only think about ourselves.

Friends are important even to God; He called Abraham his friend, and that was before Jesus. David and Jonathan were closer than either had ever been with their brothers; when Saul (Jonathan's father) went after David, Jonathan kept his loyalty with David. It says in 1 Samuel, "...Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself." 1 Samuel 20 is all about their friendship; he told David, "But if my father is inclined to harm you, may the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I do not let you know and send you away safely." He takes an oath and makes a covenant with David (which was huge in that time) to protect him at all costs--against his father! "And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself." Later on in the story, Jonathan is merely having a conversation with his father and Saul throws a spear at him for just talking about David. Would you take a spear for your best friend? I would like to say I would. I really like this story because it takes place before Jesus even shows up on the scene to talk to us about blessing those who curse us and loving one another--it is evidence of God's love throughout all of time permeating our relationships.

Here's a little of what I think a friend--a real friend--is:

listen.
share.
sacrificial--time, money, possessions, etc.
enduring.
patient.
loving.
communicative.
willing.
sees your heart and you don't have to be afraid of it.
unafraid.
vulnerable.
would lay down their life for you.

I guess that is just a summary of what I think a true friend is. I've been blessed to have a few of these in my life and no, none of the friendships have been easy because we both had to work at it, but it has most definitely been worth it. I think the term "friend" has a lot of significance, especially when we are betrayed by one, is because we know it is supposed to mean more than it has become.

Well, instead of continuing on, I will say why I am writing this:  firstly, because it's important for things like this to be said. Secondly because one of my best friends was very hurt today because someone who was supposed to be a friend dropped the ball. Big time. You don't treat my friends that way. Okay, before any of you jump on your religious high horse, let me clarify:  I did not write this out of anger. I wrote it because it has been on my mind for a few weeks and this event just sort of spurred me on to writing about it finally. But seriously, does a person matter so little to you that you can't section off a brain cell to remember him?

I will end with this:  if I consider you a friend, I am with you to the end. Many people would take that statement lightly or say it to anyone, but I don't. Not in the slightest. I would take a spear for you, without hesitation. Sure, some of you will scoff at this and say it's an easy thing to say, but Dena, really, in the face of a spear, how do you know what you would do? Well, I've done it. I've taken verbal spears, slapped people, jumped in front of charging horses (even ran in to save a bucking pony from a GIGANTIC fly--he almost took my eye out), without hesitation. It does not even enter my mind to save myself in those situations. And I could still stand to be a better friend. I don't say this to brag; only people who aren't really my friends will take it that way.

I would encourage anyone who read this whole thing to evaluate your friendships--especially how you are a friend to those around you. Thank you to those who have been a friend to me. :) I hope I can continue to be a better friend to all of you, and if I don't, may the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely.

adventures in motherhood

Yes, everyone, it's true, I am a mother.

PSYCHE!

Nope, not yet, I just feel like one with the types of jobs I've had lately. I have started nannying for a 6 month old overnight three days a week, and lemme tell you, I have learned a lot about motherhood already and it's only been the first week. Prior to this, and even during this past week, I have also been baby-sitting a ton for several different families from my church. I have enjoyed observing the different parenting styles and kids these parents turn out; it's very interesting, to say the least.

One thing that has really been blasted in my face is the importance of parenting a child. I've known and understood for a little while now how important it is to be present with your kids, to really teach them, as I've been baby-sitting since I was ten years old (well, technically I was a live-in sitter for my youngest sister I guess. Mom says I was her second mom. :) This week, though, I see how crucial parenting, especially mothering, is in a child's life. A baby comes out knowing nothing but what it feels. It is the parent's job to teach it things about sleeping at certain times, eating good foods, being kind to others, respecting adults, etc. Kids don't just pop out knowing all this stuff, as much as we would like them to. It's important to not let them just run the show, especially not in the name of love. Some parents think they love their child, but letting him or her dictate how the day goes is a recipe for disaster, in my opinion, and not an example of true love. Contrary to a popular belief, this isn't what God does with us when we are newby Christians; we have to want and try to listen to him, he doesn't just step in and take over. Usually we are listening, but we don't do exactly what he says because we don't like it for this reason or that. A child has to choose to be responsive, and they usually will, but what child doesn't put up a little resistance to what the parent wants? They have a brain, just because it isn't fully developed doesn't mean they are incapable of making choices. It's the same for God.

I had a realization that I hope I get to use in a sermon someday about babies and baby Christians. The baby I nanny for has been experiencing some gas issues; she seems to be in a lot of pain when she needs to burp but it just won't come out. So she often wakes up in the middle of the night or interrupts a happy moment by suddenly pealing out in screams. I pick her up, rock her, walk around, pat her back, anything to help relieve her pain and calm her down. Then, she burps. Usually it's not very big. As I lay in bed one night, shortly after she'd woken up with one of these spells, I was thinking about how my back was hurting a lot that day and the fact that I wasn't screaming about it. Then it hit me; I am older and know more about my body and the world around me than that baby does, sweet as she is. I understand that a little bit of pain is not the end of the world and life will go on with or without it; screaming doesn't really help me any. (don't get me wrong, I've screamed in pain before, but now it's only for extreme pain, which is a high bar for me.)

Baby Christians (which can be any age, no matter how many years you've "been with the Lord", let's face it) are prone to screaming when faced with trials, no matter the kind (they tend to scream over very small ones, and it's usually self-inflicted or because they aren't trusting God). And I'm not talking about productive screaming that releases things to God and stuff like that. No, screaming because it hurts and they don't know how to coherently communicate their needs or don't know how to deal with pain. They scream and scream about a little pain in their belly...and then they burp. Usually it's not very big. Then they have one of two reactions:  either they smile and laugh as God rocks them on his hip and life is good (until the next gas build up) or they get angry with God for not relieving their pain right away.

On the flip side, mature Christians tend to be the ones who know how to deal with pain (who also can be at any age, young or old). Plainly said, it's because they don't see the pain. Let me qualify:  they see it all right, and feel it just as strongly, if not more so (since it's usually bigger issues), but they have learned to look beyond it towards the prize. Pain in this life, especially from trials, is temporal and nothing compared with the glory we have in Christ. They scream only when pressed to the point where their faith ends (because everyone is at a different place in their faith, depending on the area we're talking about) and it's still not to blame God. Their joy is lasting, their peace surpasses all understanding. They walk in the Fruit God gave us, so why wouldn't it be this way?

So, which kind of Christian are you? Obviously there are stages in between, just like with kids, but where are you on the spectrum? I'm not trying to imply that this is an act of works; Jesus is the good shepherd, HE is the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but by him, so it's not based on what we do to attain goodness, but whether or not we accept the gift that is already there. You may be more of a baby Christian than you realize.

Anyway, I've learned this week that not only do I want to be a mature Christian, but I also want to parent my children well. This is the future we're talking about, folks. Are you really going to leave it up to chance? I want to parent my children into being mature Christians too, which more often than not means teaching them the foundations for having a relationship with Christ, and then letting them go. I don't mean we just let the bumpers down on the bowling lane, just that we don't try to push and shove them into the kind of Christian life we think they should have. If we lay the foundations correctly, you might just be surprised by how much they turn out to be like you wanted without your constant badgering.