identity theft

It's true that you identity changes as your life goes on. Your identity is wrapped up in this current thing in your life, or that, but when it's over, there is this sense of emptiness or loss. Sometimes this is okay because your identity changes as you grow as a person, but, in a sense, I think I'm realizing that your true identity shouldn't ever change if you truly have the mind of Christ.

Identity is defined in the dictionary as:

the state or fact of remaining the same one or ones, asunder varying aspects or conditions: The identity of thefingerprints on the gun with those on file provided evidence thathe was the killer.

2.

the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another: Hedoubted his own identity.

3.

condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is:a case of mistaken identity.

4.

the state or fact of being the same one as described.

5.

the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity inpersonality over time and sometimes disturbed in mentalillnesses, as schizophrenia.

Identity is much more that what you are doing. It is your being, what drives you, what you stand on, what enables you to really follow Christ into the fray. You don't change when you have an identity. Wrapping up one's identity in something they are doing is a very shallow, flimsy thing at best. You can wear a name tag that says, "Hello, my name is PhD, Masters in Divinity, Slimy-Know-It-All" or "Hello, my name is Deadbeat, Dropout, Loser", but that is not who you are. That is what you have done.

I thought I understood this, but with everything God's been showing me these last few months and what it's all coming together to mean, I see now that what He showed me before about who I am in Him was only a glimpse of who and what I really am to Him. It was enough to stand on for a time, but now life is hitting a new beat--time to really face Him and what He made me and abide in it.

There are some--some I've come into contact with recently, in fact--who set up a false identity for themselves because they want to be something. They think that if they want to be it bad enough or that if they can get enough people to believe it, they'll be it. They're wrong, though. Identity starts inside--much like character, and acting, consequently--and comes out. The song says, "from the inside out" doesn't it?

Unfortunately, associating with false identities or wrapping your identity up in something that is only what you're doing will cause emptiness and a sense of loss when whatever you've been doing comes to an end. I loathe fakeness. Loathe. Hate. Want to set on fire. I hate it especially when I get caught up in it. I refuse to do it anymore.

As I've jumped off this bridge, screaming to add to this cacophony of rhythm, God has challenged my identity. I have been one who tends to identify with whatever I am currently doing. Sometimes it was in my job, usually it was school or whatever I was going through. It labeled me. When I was confused, it gave me comfort. Good golly what a mess that was sometimes. It wasn't always bad, but it wasn't ever what I should've been doing. Going to Charis and working a lame job has helped draw this out into the light where I could really examine it. I came to Charis without very many expectations. I wasn't sure what it would be like; I hoped it wouldn't really be like the other Christian bubbles I'd been a part of, but I didn't know if it would be better or not. I went in hesitantly, observing before I plunged into anything. I'm so glad I made that decision. Instead of just jumping into a social network or into a lot of stuff that would get me noticed at school, I've floated under the radar for the first time in several years, but not in a self-conscious, shy way. I've experienced a lot of things and thought about much during this time, but what it has all come down to is my identity and where I am with God. It started with the fact that I didn't (and still don't) want Charis Bible College to be my identity. I didn't want to be a Charisite, didn't want to be someone who was all gung-ho about the school because I knew God was more than a good bible college. I also didn't want the physical challenges I experience to be my identity, so I have mentioned it to only a handful of people at school. I also didn't go out of my way to make a bunch of friends, especially because I didn't feel like I fit with most of them.

Instead, what has happened is I have made a few good friends, I have begun to really understand what it means to not fear man, I have had an interesting job and subsequently quit in a five month period, and I am enjoying the adventure. I've been sleeping through the night--what a joy! I'm the kind of person who doesn't sleep much when I'm upset, which is apparently the opposite from most people. I sleep best when I am at peace. Retaining the identity Christ gave me when I was born again has to be the most peaceful thing I have ever gone through.

You can know a lot of things about God and what He says, like how He says the "fear of man proves a snare", but understanding them is a whole different ball game. Turns out, not fearing people means having a true identity in Whose you are. Why should you be afraid of anyone or anything if the Creator of the Universe has your back? I've said that before, but holy crap, have you ever really thought about that? God does NOT abandon His own--that's something I've learned out here too. For too long I lived under the biggest lie--that sometimes God just drops me in order to teach me something, that He let's bad things happen to me so I'll be stronger. No, bad things happen because this world is tainted. He sent His son so that we might be redeemed and be able to confidently say He has our collective back once again. Whew. That's a different soap box. I might go on it sometime and actually provide scripture, but I'm just going to move on for now.

I haven't lived the holiest of lives since I've been out here, but I'd say I've gained so much more in this leap than I ever did in trying to live holy on my own strength. I think that matters more to God, and He matters a lot to me. The identity He gave me is pretty swell, if I do say so myself, and I'm not about to let anyone or anything cut in on my race anymore. Especially not me. I am my biggest roadblock in life. I often have to tell myself to get over myself. It can get confusing sometimes. No more identity theft by way of an inside job, or an outside, for that matter. Be loved, kay? Everyone's on a journey and I did understand this a bit, but now I see just how much I didn't see before...I see how selfish I've been. It's humbling to think that God's grace covers that and I can just go on with life. He doesn't hold it against me. What a great friend.

two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl

If I was writing about a broken heart, I'd start with yours.

Your story involves mine because it breaks mine, but not for the reasons I thought before. You see, all day I think of you, and all day I want to cry. I thought this was about me. I was wrong. I wanted to say that what I thought was a promise, was merely a loaded clip aimed at my heart. It was your heart that shattered though.

I was hurt--broken--too, until I knew your story. You see, that day you held my hand, that's when I fell for you. It's the day I still look back on when I want to be filled with joy and feel like I'm loved. For a while the memory also brought with it an ache, a dull slice across my heart. I admit, sometimes it still does. You were happy. I was happy. For me it was the first time in months that I had smiled so much. I know now you were starting to hurt then. I wish I had known. Then again, maybe that would've ruined it.

"Holding hands, feeding ducks. When I met you, that's what I wanted to do."

From the first day I knew you, I knew you were special. I didn't know you were like me, hiding your pain behind playful antics or somber wallflower acts. I thought you knew where you were, who you were, and what you wanted, nothing more. How could someone like you hurt? Your spirit was so lively to me. You helped me find my heart again, back on those swings. I didn't know it was hiding until then. I didn't know I was looking for it. I didn't know I was so blind.

Even when you lied to me, I still loved you. I didn't know then why the betrayal hurt so much, but now I think I do. I think it was because my hope was dashed a bit. Hope I'd had subconsciously that you wouldn't be like the rest. That betrayal wouldn't happen. Even when you lied, I learned to still be okay when it was over. Of course, I didn't know I loved you until after I was angry with you.

I once was blind, but now I see.

I see now, I see that I was blind. I wanted to know you before, but that desire was blinded by the stronger desire to be known by someone like you. I wish I could've been a better friend to you. I wish I could pretend that perhaps my life helped to distract you from yours, but I don't really know. I hope I did a mite better than I think I did.

I see now that you have been in pain for some time now, even when you were hurting me. I was so blinded by my own supposed agonies that I didn't touch yours. How could you feel whole when your world is falling down in threes? When what you really want doesn't seem to want you? I see now that what you thought was a promise, was merely a loaded clip aimed at your heart. Your gun wasn't even loaded when you aimed it at me. The pain I felt was self-inflicted.

Can you forgive me? Will you?

I don't think you know any of this. I am loathe to be more than a coward and actually tell you to your face. I wish I was braver.

I wish I could tell you what you are to me. A rainbow on a rotten day--a promise--wouldn't say enough to do you justice. Flowers blooming everywhere--but only in my mind. My heart erupting with light--which sounds a bit fatal, if you think about it. Your smile can make my soul soar and make me feel safter than being in the Bat Cave. I am absolutely petrified of the ocean, but I'd go in with you. But it's positively more than any of this! Those things are mere fragments of what I could say for you! The way you light up the lives of others, those around you, by simply being constant and wanting to be around them. The fact that you notice little things, that you live simply. That you are witty, clever, and quite the goon. You want to help others in a way that isn't necessarily noticed by everyone and their mother on national news. You listen. You care.

I guess I could keep gushing like a heartsick buffoon, but the time has come for me to say this:  in this pain you are going through, I know He has you. I sometimes think I could reach out, take the pieces of your heart and mend them, but I can't do that as well as He. I talk to Him about you when I feel like crying. These days I'm crying for you. I know what it's like to feel pain and not know how to fix it. I know what it's like when all you want to do is hide from it and everyone else. He knows. He is a comforter and a friend. He wants you to know you are loved, always. That's something that's hard for me to grasp, too.

We're in this together, whether you like it or not. We'll know we're Loved or die trying.

I suppose it's true when they say love blinds you--a version of it does, yes, and in certain ways. Sometimes love is purely emotional and selfish. When His love light can finally break through that muck you've carved around you--that blinding light you thought was love--you'll really see. He's there and you're there and that's all that matters. Then you can see others--His light isn't blinding. I pray His love will shine through me ever brighter in the days to come, especially when it comes to you, my friend.

We'll see the lights coming off of us, illuminating what we really are--loved.

I once thought I'd be writing about my broken heart, broken over a silly thing like you. Now I see, though, that it's your heart that really needs the mending. Mine was just bent a little out of shape. You're a hero, I was a fool. Good thing there's grace for that too.