Red pill or Blue pill?

Well, it's been a while. Life has been busy busy, that's for sure. I also don't really like to write out my thoughts for everyone to see until they're at least a little bit formulated...which they haven't been lately. I mean, I have had so many thoughts and so many good things happening these past few weeks it's ridiculous, but that's the thing--so many! Too many to really write in a blog post. Besides, I'm not sure I'm ready to share them with the world yet anyway.

As I said, so much good has happened recently, but there have also been challenges. I want to talk more about the good because there is more glory in that, but honestly I've struggled too.

Suffice it to say, right now I'm on a fabulous part of my life journey. I am getting to know God in a deeper way and I'm loving our relationship. I'm learning to trust Him more and more--something I've always struggled with. I'm seeing my life in a clearer way--a way that allows me to see the beauty and not so much the loss. I just don't trust easily. Luckily, He knows.

He's asked me to do some things that are scary and require a different level of faith than I've experienced before. Honestly, some days I just feel stagnant, like I'm not really doing anything. Like I'm waiting around for a Morpheus to come and offer me the chance of a lifetime, with a clear plan of what I'm supposed to do. I guess even Neo went through times of discouragement and confusion with what he was supposed to do. That's an element of faith though...trusting that it will all be okay. I need to stay focused--I really am doing so many wonderful things. It's more my mind thinking it's not enough or not what I think I should be doing that is getting in the way. Good thing God is good enough to overcome that. He already did.

Mostly I'm writing to throw out some updates on my life. This is the end of my post.

the chronicles of Aubrie and Dena: mommies of all ages

Aubrie is definitely one of the smartest kids I have ever met, I wouldn't be surprised if she is going to end up being some kind of prodigy. The next Beethoven or something. Seriously. One of the evidences of this is her ability to observe and mimic the behavior of the adults in her life. Whether it's simply to know what something is for, like a bib or her high chair tray, or to see what is supposed to be done with a tool and try to do it.

The other day I caught her carrying around her little baby doll and treating it differently than her other toys. She picked it up and started walking around, talking to it and laughing, then she would hug it and pat its back while quietly saying, "Shhh..." in a baby sort of way. She kept repeating this behavior, pulling it away from her and talking to it, only to hug it and pat its back again. She eventually wandered over to her little bouncy seat she used to play in a lot before she could stand up and walk, put her baby in it and started bouncing it around and laughing. She was trying to make her baby "play" with the toys and sleep in the bed. She then proceeded to pick up a bottle on the floor and put it up to the baby's mouth to "feed" it.

Aubrie knows she has a good mommy and her mimicking reflects the loving care she gets every day. I love this kid!

the adventures of Aubrie and Dena: grass and salad

So the other day, Aubrie and I took a stroll down the driveway to my car so I could bring my stuff into the house that I would need to spend the night. When I say we strolled, both of us really did. It was Aubrie's first time walking down the driveway, to my knowledge, and she was stoked about it. At first she didn't want to hold my hand, but once we embarked down the inclined plane, she was clinging to me like a monkey on a banana.

I love how fearless this kid is; she wasn't clinging to me because she was scared, she just knew that she had better hold onto me if she didn't want to eat cement. She did stumble a couple of times, but because she was holding onto me, the impact wasn't as bad as it could have been. At another time I will write out the obvious spiritual metaphor in that image.

Her mom hadn't gotten her dressed for the day, as sometimes happened, so I strapped on tennis shoes over her polka dot footie pajama's. She loved walking to the car.

And she looked like a dork doing it. The cutest darn dork I have ever seen, that's for sure.

Instead of immediately emptying my beat up once-a-podracer car, I put Aubrie in the grass to play for a minute. She tried to eat dirt. I'm sure as hippy-tasting as that was, it didn't quite hit the spot.

She is uber fascinated by grass though; she loves touching things, and, of course, sticking them in her mouth. Once I realized she wasn't going to play in the grass so much as get her fill of it, I decided our outdoor adventure was done for the day.

The next day was Sunday. We went to church, I got a break for a couple of hours, it was a great time. Aubrie is a favorite with a lot of the people at my church. A couple of the nursery ladies told me how much they just love having her in the nursery; she loves playing with the other kids. They said there was a little boy crying in the corner near the end and Aubrie took a toy over to him and tried to make him feel better. This kids possesses so much natural grace and love it just makes me want to gush with love myself. Again, the spiritual metaphor is going to have to wait.

We were invited to join a few of my friends at Souper! Salad! for lunch after church. After nearly knocking my entire freshly made salad to the floor at the bar with her foot, Aubrie was sat in a high chair and we proceeded to eat lunch. Aubrie is almost always the loudest person in any place we go, so you can imagine that we got a lot of attention. One of my friends mistakenly gave her a napkin to play with; unfortunately, that's not the kind of fiber she needs in her diet, so I had to empty her mouth and her hands of it.

I was eating lunch with four of my good guy friends and one of them asked me if people think that Aubrie is my baby, to which I answered a prompt, "Yes." Everyone who doesn't know me thinks she's mine, especially at church, which I really don't understand. I'm a single girl, going to bible college, and Aubrie didn't appear in my life until she was six months old. I had been going to the church for nearly a year at this point. I was never pregnant, never even dating anyone, and yet apparently no one noticed me until I started bringing a baby to church. That says something about people I think.

I also told my friends that people often assume whatever guy I might be with is her father. Since there were four of them, I wonder how many people were trying to guess which one was her dad. The mystery is still in their minds.

Aubrie had some ice cream at Souper Salad. She never has ice cream. So why was I surprised when she played in her bed for two hours instead of taking a nap? I just feel like that had to be asked. She was a hoot at the youth leader meeting at the end of the day too; she felt her voice should be heard just as much as anyone else's as we discussed different things concerning the youth and its future. My favorite part of that meeting was watching Aubrie climb all over my good friend Derek, trying to touch his beard, giving him hugs that she reserves for the people she loves most, and him hesitantly playing with her right back. Aubrie doesn't care if you're uncomfortable or shy or anything, she's just going to love you.

When we finally made it home, she had crashed. Poor little tyke had had all the excitement she could take for one day, apparently, and so had I. I just love this kid.

As our summer days draw to an end, I'm seeing even more just how much of an adventure and rewarding experience this summer has been with Aubrie, let alone everything else I have been able to do. Stay tuned for more Aubrie moments. Thanks for reading. :)

the chronicles of Aubrie and Dena, part 1--dogs

Aubrie is one of the funniest kids I have ever met. I've decided that instead of being a little bummed about the fact that I am almost twenty-four years old and my main job is nannying, I'm going to take advantage of the hilarity I am privy to for most of my week and share it with all of my adoring readers. Thus begins the chronicles of Aubrie and Auntie Dena.

This is Aubrie.

Aubrie likes to talk. She likes to squawk. She is one ridiculous child. There are two dogs who live at the house regularly--Ben, who hacks like a sick old man, and Tassie, who is a loveable idiot. There is another dog who lives there from time to time (she's the grandma's dog) and her name is Racquel. I hate Racquel. Racquel thinks Aubrie is another dog and therefore wants to dominate her. She has also tried to dominate me in the past, but I stamped that right out. Dogs and babies do not tell me what to do.

When Racquel is at the house, I have to keep Aubrie away from her so that Aubrie doesn't harass her and so that she doesn't bite Aubrie. Aubrie isn't scared of Racquel, which is both a blessing and a problem.

Aubrie has one of those baby walker things that I call her roller derby car and one of her favorite past times is to race through the house and chase the dogs around, squealing at the top of her lungs. While some may call this animal cruelty, I call it entertainment. That dog in particular is one of the loudest I have ever met and frankly I don't feel too badly for her when the baby chases her around letting out a war cry. I eventually have compassion on her though; Aubrie shouldn't just be allowed to get away with things like that.

While the dogs are not my friends, Aubrie is. Watching her grow has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life thus far, and I am excited to see what the days ahead hold for us. Tune in next time to read about Aubrie's hilarious facial expressions and our many adventures as Aubrie and Auntie Dena.

honest tea

It's been a while...actually I'm not sure I've posted anything since the summer began. Oh sure, I've had a few ideas about posts. A few passionate topics I wanted to address. A couple of doldrums I wanted to express. Frankly, though, I just haven't had time.

This summer has been rough for me--probably rougher than I wanted to admit to anyone. No, definitely not my most difficult; that one was the time Lenny the parasite decided to move into my liver. He even tried to have his mail delivered there, which, as I'm sure you can imagine, is not an easy task in any aspect of the idea. No, this summer was not so bad as that, but it's definitely been trying to catch up to that one.

I have felt...beat up.

Stretched too thin.

Like I was constantly banging my head on an anvil, or a brick, and it was also hitting back. Don't get me wrong, this summer has been full of very enjoyable things. Just maybe too many of them. Without enough sleep, more often than not. It has also been full of quite a few relationship issues--including, but not limited to, almost losing one of my best friends, and getting shafted a couple of times by the same group of people when it came to trying to figure out a new living situation. They almost aren't worth talking about anymore, but both situations were very hurtful. I grew, though, and was strengthened in ways I didn't really expect.

Here is a small taste of what I learned this summer:

1) There will be backstabbers in your life. What do you do when someone talks behind your back when it is none of their dang business? Ignore it. It's childish, pathetic, petty, and a whole array of other comparably menial adjectives.

2) Sometimes the friends who stand with you through hard times are not the ones you were expecting. In the past, I haven't really been able to share struggles I was having with the people around me because it always felt like either a) they had their own problems and didn't need to be saddled with mine too or b) they weren't able to see past their issues well enough to listen to me. I have been thankful for those rare people who were there to listen in those times, as I am thankful for the unexpected ones during this time. The difference now, though, is that I haven't talked to too many people about what I've really been struggling with, and honestly haven't had too many opportunities to do so in the first place, but the friendships that have developed over the last few months have been golden.

3) I have learned a lot about myself, primarily because I have spent a lot of time by myself. Some of it is because a loving friend helped me to see a few things I didn't want to admit, but I have also had a lot of time for reflection. I don't know how many of you know, but I nanny for an 11 month old baby overnight. I'm with her for over half my week sometimes and usually it is just me, her, a couple of wacko dogs (sometimes three), and an idiot cat. None of them can talk to me. This allows for a lot of quiet time. If I wasn't so much as reflecting on myself, I have been observing myself. One important thing I learned is that I am a valuable person. I guess I didn't really believe that before.

4) If you want something, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Definitely you should be in prayer and have patience for whatever it is you're hoping and waiting for, but sometimes you just have to yank yourself up and work for whatever it is you want. It's kind of a balance. I find myself really learning things I only thought I knew before. Funny how that works.

5) Sometimes I just do not care about something I am doing; the only reason I decided to do it was because someone "needed" me. I'm not sure that's the right reason to do something.

Good learning sometimes comes through times of stretching, and man have I been stretched. I maybe overloaded my schedule, but in the end, it is what it is and there isn't anything I can do about it now. The important thing is that I survived and am actually finding myself more and more content with my life--even though not much that I was previously frustrated about has changed. In some cases I am simply resigned, but for the most part I am just determined.

I'm heading into a school year with many snares and pitfalls waiting to grab me, but I know Whose hand I hold, so I know I'll be fine. I may be the talk of the gossip chain of the petty and otherwise unremarkable, but no one can convince me that I am not as great as God says I am, no matter who thinks I can't take care of a cat. Or two. Or who the whole of the Bible College thinks I'm dating. God has me here for a reason, and by golly, I am excited to continue seeing what it is.

In all honesty, this whole blog may have been the unfollowable ramblings of a tired person (I'm falling asleep as I write this), so let me end it as randomly as I possibly can.

I have had a good summer.

It really may not have sounded like it, and honestly doesn't really feel like it some days, but aside from fires and shootings, relationship and sleep issues, I wouldn't take it back. I have nothing to do but thank and praise God, really. I'm thankful I made it through what could have been a lot of junk that could bring me down. I'm thankful for the people who I was able to spend time with. I'm happy I could go to youth camp; that was one of the best weeks I had all summer. I have many more things to be thankful for than to be upset about, and sure, my body and my soul feel beat up, but my spirit is stronger than ever. Proof your attitude doesn't need to be based on circumstances. Well, I'm tired, so I'm going to abruptly end this now. Thanks for reading.

p.s. I also leaped way forward on my caffeine intake this summer, and have also cut back by at least 2/3. I'm proud of myself.

a status reflection

As some of you may know, on my facebook for the past month or so I have been using my status updates as a way to encourage my friends and let them know what I really think about them. These are just a few thoughts on what I have learned about myself and my relationships even in just this short time.

I am not very good at constantly staying in touch with people. I am the kind of person that, when I've befriended you, come hell or high water I'm your friend forever, whether or not I call you all the time or write you, or whatever. I understand not everyone is like that, though. I want to find a balance, be a little bit better about that because I know some people take it personally and it affects how they think that I view them.

I am not very good at communicating how I feel about someone on a day to day basis, except in certain situations--even then, my abilities in this area are marginal at best. I am good at making them feel good and loved, but not in telling them why it is happening. It's usually not necessary, based on the type of bond you have with that person, but it is immensely important to at least remember why you are friends with them. It can help you evaluate whether or not the relationship is healthy, for one thing. For most people, I could tell them I loved them or that I appreciated them or what have you, and they'll think it's a nice sentiment, but it doesn't really sink in. I know this isn't entirely my fault; our culture has dumbed down these phrases (or Hallmarked them, if you will) to the point where they don't mean as much. We also hear these things from people who we know don't love us because they never show it in their actions, so we're numb to it. I want to be better and telling people why I love them, whether that be through words, or whatever.

People forget why they are friends with each other. Easily. Especially with the convenience of facebook. I know I don't unfriend people because of a) I'm afraid they'll think I hate them or b) I'm afraid that I'll someday need to be in contact with them and all of a sudden I'm cut off. That's silly, for one thing. I don't ever want to become numb to or forgetful of how I feel about someone and why I am friends with them.

People want to be recognized as one you love and cherish. It's not a selfish thing, it's a knowing thing. People like to know, be known, and sometimes be publicly recognized as important to someone else. It increases their feelings of worth--yes, this should be found in things other than the praises of other people, but shouldn't we do all we can to cultivate feelings of worth in each other? Don't become a crutch, but don't rip their hair out in an attempt for them to find their worth in Jesus or something either.

I have also learned that I have many close friends (I consider them close, at least) and I am, in many respects, a good friend. I don't say that with pride, conceit, or whatever, I say it because I know the Christ in me is a good friend (in every sense of the phrase), and my soul has learned much from the example that I have with me all the time. Despite my shortcomings, I am a better friend than I give myself credit for--how else could I have the number of good friends (caliber wise) that I do? I rag on myself a lot for feeling like I fail as a friend all the time or that I am not a good enough one, but really I shouldn't focus so much on what I'm not good at--it only keeps me from seeing what I am good at and why I am loveable.

Well, that's it for now. This has been a fun thing to do and I look forward to writing a status about each of you. :) Thanks for reading.

may he deal with me, be it ever so severely

"Then it hit me--I'm alone on my birthday. Even though people invited me to do things, I'm alone."

What does it mean to be a true friend? For that matter, why does it matter if you are a true friend or not?

Why does the word "friend" hold significance?

If I wanted to, I could elaborately elaborate on each of these questions; if you know me at all, you know this is an important topic to me. I want to be the best friend I can possibly be to every single person who is kind enough to embrace the term and count me as one also (I used to think it was mandated for me to be friends with everyone--news flash, not everyone is worth that kind of time, by their own choice, not mine). Friends mean something to each other. Friends stick closer than a brother, it's been said. Friends are supposed to see us through the good and the bad.

Why, then, does it seem as though being a friend seems to be the hardest thing anyone has ever done in their life? It shouldn't be.

How hard is it to keep your word, to simply do what you say you are going to? Is it difficult to remember a certain day, like, say, the day your friend was born? Would it hurt to once in a while be serious with someone and tell them how they make you feel and why you appreciate them? Or is that just too much depth? I don't ask these questions to attack anyone, but to ask. Why is being a friend hard?

That last question isn't difficult to answer:  people think being a friend is hard because it requires something of them, and people don't like to work at things when it doesn't seem to be a gain somehow. They also all have their own ideas of what it means to have friends or to be one. They are not always totally wrong, but people also tend to treat people based on how they have been treated in the past, which just isn't fair. What I mean by this is, people tend to assume all people are the same. I don't think they mean to, exactly, but they do. They have had certain kinds of people in their lives before, so they take that to mean that every person they meet will be that way, whether it be negative or positive, really. Often times, however, they are concentrated mostly on their negative experiences, and they project that onto you, no matter how loveable you are. I know I've been guilty of this, but God is healing me. I'm changing. That means it's possible, right?

It shouldn't be hard to be a friend or have friends. But it is. Because we only think about ourselves.

Friends are important even to God; He called Abraham his friend, and that was before Jesus. David and Jonathan were closer than either had ever been with their brothers; when Saul (Jonathan's father) went after David, Jonathan kept his loyalty with David. It says in 1 Samuel, "...Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself." 1 Samuel 20 is all about their friendship; he told David, "But if my father is inclined to harm you, may the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I do not let you know and send you away safely." He takes an oath and makes a covenant with David (which was huge in that time) to protect him at all costs--against his father! "And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself." Later on in the story, Jonathan is merely having a conversation with his father and Saul throws a spear at him for just talking about David. Would you take a spear for your best friend? I would like to say I would. I really like this story because it takes place before Jesus even shows up on the scene to talk to us about blessing those who curse us and loving one another--it is evidence of God's love throughout all of time permeating our relationships.

Here's a little of what I think a friend--a real friend--is:

listen.
share.
sacrificial--time, money, possessions, etc.
enduring.
patient.
loving.
communicative.
willing.
sees your heart and you don't have to be afraid of it.
unafraid.
vulnerable.
would lay down their life for you.

I guess that is just a summary of what I think a true friend is. I've been blessed to have a few of these in my life and no, none of the friendships have been easy because we both had to work at it, but it has most definitely been worth it. I think the term "friend" has a lot of significance, especially when we are betrayed by one, is because we know it is supposed to mean more than it has become.

Well, instead of continuing on, I will say why I am writing this:  firstly, because it's important for things like this to be said. Secondly because one of my best friends was very hurt today because someone who was supposed to be a friend dropped the ball. Big time. You don't treat my friends that way. Okay, before any of you jump on your religious high horse, let me clarify:  I did not write this out of anger. I wrote it because it has been on my mind for a few weeks and this event just sort of spurred me on to writing about it finally. But seriously, does a person matter so little to you that you can't section off a brain cell to remember him?

I will end with this:  if I consider you a friend, I am with you to the end. Many people would take that statement lightly or say it to anyone, but I don't. Not in the slightest. I would take a spear for you, without hesitation. Sure, some of you will scoff at this and say it's an easy thing to say, but Dena, really, in the face of a spear, how do you know what you would do? Well, I've done it. I've taken verbal spears, slapped people, jumped in front of charging horses (even ran in to save a bucking pony from a GIGANTIC fly--he almost took my eye out), without hesitation. It does not even enter my mind to save myself in those situations. And I could still stand to be a better friend. I don't say this to brag; only people who aren't really my friends will take it that way.

I would encourage anyone who read this whole thing to evaluate your friendships--especially how you are a friend to those around you. Thank you to those who have been a friend to me. :) I hope I can continue to be a better friend to all of you, and if I don't, may the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely.

adventures in motherhood

Yes, everyone, it's true, I am a mother.

PSYCHE!

Nope, not yet, I just feel like one with the types of jobs I've had lately. I have started nannying for a 6 month old overnight three days a week, and lemme tell you, I have learned a lot about motherhood already and it's only been the first week. Prior to this, and even during this past week, I have also been baby-sitting a ton for several different families from my church. I have enjoyed observing the different parenting styles and kids these parents turn out; it's very interesting, to say the least.

One thing that has really been blasted in my face is the importance of parenting a child. I've known and understood for a little while now how important it is to be present with your kids, to really teach them, as I've been baby-sitting since I was ten years old (well, technically I was a live-in sitter for my youngest sister I guess. Mom says I was her second mom. :) This week, though, I see how crucial parenting, especially mothering, is in a child's life. A baby comes out knowing nothing but what it feels. It is the parent's job to teach it things about sleeping at certain times, eating good foods, being kind to others, respecting adults, etc. Kids don't just pop out knowing all this stuff, as much as we would like them to. It's important to not let them just run the show, especially not in the name of love. Some parents think they love their child, but letting him or her dictate how the day goes is a recipe for disaster, in my opinion, and not an example of true love. Contrary to a popular belief, this isn't what God does with us when we are newby Christians; we have to want and try to listen to him, he doesn't just step in and take over. Usually we are listening, but we don't do exactly what he says because we don't like it for this reason or that. A child has to choose to be responsive, and they usually will, but what child doesn't put up a little resistance to what the parent wants? They have a brain, just because it isn't fully developed doesn't mean they are incapable of making choices. It's the same for God.

I had a realization that I hope I get to use in a sermon someday about babies and baby Christians. The baby I nanny for has been experiencing some gas issues; she seems to be in a lot of pain when she needs to burp but it just won't come out. So she often wakes up in the middle of the night or interrupts a happy moment by suddenly pealing out in screams. I pick her up, rock her, walk around, pat her back, anything to help relieve her pain and calm her down. Then, she burps. Usually it's not very big. As I lay in bed one night, shortly after she'd woken up with one of these spells, I was thinking about how my back was hurting a lot that day and the fact that I wasn't screaming about it. Then it hit me; I am older and know more about my body and the world around me than that baby does, sweet as she is. I understand that a little bit of pain is not the end of the world and life will go on with or without it; screaming doesn't really help me any. (don't get me wrong, I've screamed in pain before, but now it's only for extreme pain, which is a high bar for me.)

Baby Christians (which can be any age, no matter how many years you've "been with the Lord", let's face it) are prone to screaming when faced with trials, no matter the kind (they tend to scream over very small ones, and it's usually self-inflicted or because they aren't trusting God). And I'm not talking about productive screaming that releases things to God and stuff like that. No, screaming because it hurts and they don't know how to coherently communicate their needs or don't know how to deal with pain. They scream and scream about a little pain in their belly...and then they burp. Usually it's not very big. Then they have one of two reactions:  either they smile and laugh as God rocks them on his hip and life is good (until the next gas build up) or they get angry with God for not relieving their pain right away.

On the flip side, mature Christians tend to be the ones who know how to deal with pain (who also can be at any age, young or old). Plainly said, it's because they don't see the pain. Let me qualify:  they see it all right, and feel it just as strongly, if not more so (since it's usually bigger issues), but they have learned to look beyond it towards the prize. Pain in this life, especially from trials, is temporal and nothing compared with the glory we have in Christ. They scream only when pressed to the point where their faith ends (because everyone is at a different place in their faith, depending on the area we're talking about) and it's still not to blame God. Their joy is lasting, their peace surpasses all understanding. They walk in the Fruit God gave us, so why wouldn't it be this way?

So, which kind of Christian are you? Obviously there are stages in between, just like with kids, but where are you on the spectrum? I'm not trying to imply that this is an act of works; Jesus is the good shepherd, HE is the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but by him, so it's not based on what we do to attain goodness, but whether or not we accept the gift that is already there. You may be more of a baby Christian than you realize.

Anyway, I've learned this week that not only do I want to be a mature Christian, but I also want to parent my children well. This is the future we're talking about, folks. Are you really going to leave it up to chance? I want to parent my children into being mature Christians too, which more often than not means teaching them the foundations for having a relationship with Christ, and then letting them go. I don't mean we just let the bumpers down on the bowling lane, just that we don't try to push and shove them into the kind of Christian life we think they should have. If we lay the foundations correctly, you might just be surprised by how much they turn out to be like you wanted without your constant badgering.

past, present, and future.

Whenever I write things down, I grow, but I also have to go back and re-read where I was before. This is an somewhat painful, but good thing. ;) I enjoy looking back on the journey though. Sometimes, upon reading something I wrote even just a few months before will reveal some nugget that I learned or experienced that helps my present self. Then I want to high-five past self. Sometimes, though, I just want to slap past self. I think it's better to high-five her, though, because she kept plowing on. She helped future self even if present self doesn't always think so.

How great are the plans of our God! He prepares us for things in such a subtle way long before we actually go through whatever it is we're heading towards. Our lives are just part of his brilliant work of art, his symphonic hands mold us in ways that make us more radiant than we could ever be on our own. He inspires me to do my own art to demonstrate what He has done in my life and in the lives of others.

the glass piece I finished over the summer and my lovely sister behind.

I haven't talked much about this piece unless someone asked. Charlene saw me working on it over the summer and she thought it looked creepy. ;) I suppose in a way it is. In case you can't read it at a glance, the paint is done around letters spelling the word "beauty." The color is purposely meant to look like blood (thanks to Trevor Tracy for helping me pick it out) and the pieces of glass are all glued on a larger piece at jagged angles to appear as though recently broken and scattered. Glass sometimes causes bleeding (although I only cut myself once while working on this!). There are probably several interpretations or explanations I could give for my choices in this piece, but my most general one is this:  beauty sometimes comes from brokenness. In fact, I would daresay the most lasting beauty does come from its share of bleeding and transparentness. Take Jesus for example. His body was shredded and hung on a tree to give us life, and life everlasting. He bled. He was transparent. His blood covered all sin and renewed our chance at life, love, and hope. The most beautiful thing in the world was a bloody sacrifice. He endured what we deserve, he experienced every single kind of pain we could ever imagine--including rejection and loneliness--so he could show us he empathized in a way no one else could. The way no one else would. Our sin was transparent to him, but his blood covered it so all we saw was his beauty and glory.

Beauty is all around us, yes, but especially in the broken places. For it is in these broken places that the most beautiful thing of all shines the brightest. Jesus is our light in the dark and brokenness is dark, my friends. His blood is what covers it, not ours. All the bleeding we do whether metaphorically or literally for brokenness means nothing, whereas his means everything. That's a bit of what this piece is about.

His beauty covers my past, present, and future self. She is beautiful because of Him. He doesn't make junk. He only knows how to make art, even if it includes our junk.