honest tea

It's been a while...actually I'm not sure I've posted anything since the summer began. Oh sure, I've had a few ideas about posts. A few passionate topics I wanted to address. A couple of doldrums I wanted to express. Frankly, though, I just haven't had time.

This summer has been rough for me--probably rougher than I wanted to admit to anyone. No, definitely not my most difficult; that one was the time Lenny the parasite decided to move into my liver. He even tried to have his mail delivered there, which, as I'm sure you can imagine, is not an easy task in any aspect of the idea. No, this summer was not so bad as that, but it's definitely been trying to catch up to that one.

I have felt...beat up.

Stretched too thin.

Like I was constantly banging my head on an anvil, or a brick, and it was also hitting back. Don't get me wrong, this summer has been full of very enjoyable things. Just maybe too many of them. Without enough sleep, more often than not. It has also been full of quite a few relationship issues--including, but not limited to, almost losing one of my best friends, and getting shafted a couple of times by the same group of people when it came to trying to figure out a new living situation. They almost aren't worth talking about anymore, but both situations were very hurtful. I grew, though, and was strengthened in ways I didn't really expect.

Here is a small taste of what I learned this summer:

1) There will be backstabbers in your life. What do you do when someone talks behind your back when it is none of their dang business? Ignore it. It's childish, pathetic, petty, and a whole array of other comparably menial adjectives.

2) Sometimes the friends who stand with you through hard times are not the ones you were expecting. In the past, I haven't really been able to share struggles I was having with the people around me because it always felt like either a) they had their own problems and didn't need to be saddled with mine too or b) they weren't able to see past their issues well enough to listen to me. I have been thankful for those rare people who were there to listen in those times, as I am thankful for the unexpected ones during this time. The difference now, though, is that I haven't talked to too many people about what I've really been struggling with, and honestly haven't had too many opportunities to do so in the first place, but the friendships that have developed over the last few months have been golden.

3) I have learned a lot about myself, primarily because I have spent a lot of time by myself. Some of it is because a loving friend helped me to see a few things I didn't want to admit, but I have also had a lot of time for reflection. I don't know how many of you know, but I nanny for an 11 month old baby overnight. I'm with her for over half my week sometimes and usually it is just me, her, a couple of wacko dogs (sometimes three), and an idiot cat. None of them can talk to me. This allows for a lot of quiet time. If I wasn't so much as reflecting on myself, I have been observing myself. One important thing I learned is that I am a valuable person. I guess I didn't really believe that before.

4) If you want something, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Definitely you should be in prayer and have patience for whatever it is you're hoping and waiting for, but sometimes you just have to yank yourself up and work for whatever it is you want. It's kind of a balance. I find myself really learning things I only thought I knew before. Funny how that works.

5) Sometimes I just do not care about something I am doing; the only reason I decided to do it was because someone "needed" me. I'm not sure that's the right reason to do something.

Good learning sometimes comes through times of stretching, and man have I been stretched. I maybe overloaded my schedule, but in the end, it is what it is and there isn't anything I can do about it now. The important thing is that I survived and am actually finding myself more and more content with my life--even though not much that I was previously frustrated about has changed. In some cases I am simply resigned, but for the most part I am just determined.

I'm heading into a school year with many snares and pitfalls waiting to grab me, but I know Whose hand I hold, so I know I'll be fine. I may be the talk of the gossip chain of the petty and otherwise unremarkable, but no one can convince me that I am not as great as God says I am, no matter who thinks I can't take care of a cat. Or two. Or who the whole of the Bible College thinks I'm dating. God has me here for a reason, and by golly, I am excited to continue seeing what it is.

In all honesty, this whole blog may have been the unfollowable ramblings of a tired person (I'm falling asleep as I write this), so let me end it as randomly as I possibly can.

I have had a good summer.

It really may not have sounded like it, and honestly doesn't really feel like it some days, but aside from fires and shootings, relationship and sleep issues, I wouldn't take it back. I have nothing to do but thank and praise God, really. I'm thankful I made it through what could have been a lot of junk that could bring me down. I'm thankful for the people who I was able to spend time with. I'm happy I could go to youth camp; that was one of the best weeks I had all summer. I have many more things to be thankful for than to be upset about, and sure, my body and my soul feel beat up, but my spirit is stronger than ever. Proof your attitude doesn't need to be based on circumstances. Well, I'm tired, so I'm going to abruptly end this now. Thanks for reading.

p.s. I also leaped way forward on my caffeine intake this summer, and have also cut back by at least 2/3. I'm proud of myself.